Old Garden Rose, from my garden
Yesterday, I fell in love.
You know, dizziness, weak in the knees. . .and you see nothing but the beloved.
Did you know that historically, “love sickness” was viewed as a short-term mental illness? (What a concept: to find comfort in labeling anything we can’t manage or fix or control.)
It happens to me this time every year. You know, falling in love.
Yesterday, I walked through a plant nursery.
Gobsmacked. That’s a good word. For whatever has gone on before this moment, I am now open to the wonder and hidden treasure in the other (even if that other is an Erysimum or a calla lilly or an Old Garden rose).
Dizziness aside, I enjoy falling in love. It is the perfect antidote to anhedonia (absence of pleasure). My world is expanded somehow, and a place for the seeds of grace to take root.
In the nursery, I am surrounded by plants that I want and need.
Not that I have any space for more plants.
Not that I can afford to buy more plants.
It is more visceral than that. There is inside of me a space, that is too often protected and guarded, and on days such as yesterday, requires the healing power of plants. Not just the beauty of the plant. No, there is more. There is something in the anticipation and hope-filled imagination and the possibilities that they represent.
I haven’t given up falling in love with people. It’s just that they are a lot more work. . .but who knows, once there’s an opening in your heart, it spills in places you least expect.
Yes. I know. This is an odd post on Good Friday.
I must confess that, as a child (who never missed a Good Friday service), I never quite “got it.” I knew I was supposed to feel bad. I knew that Jesus suffered and that I would never understand his suffering and that I should feel bad about that too. I knew about the crown of thorns and the wounds, and was told that I did that to him, personally, and that I should feel very, very bad about that.
I must confess that, as a child, I did not like Good Friday. And I remember clearly that there was nothing, in any of those services, about love.
In the Intimacy lecture (I delivered in Anaheim) someone asked, “Does love die?”
My answer, “Yes.” In fact, love has to die. Because eventually we put love–our openness and vulnerability and honesty and compassion–in a box of expectations and restrictions. And our “love” becomes conditional and restrictive and shame-filled. However, if love is about unconditional acceptance, then we must let go of what we love, in order that those expectations do not have the final say.
So what is Good Friday to me now? It’s about love dying. And then, it is most assuredly, about love rising again.
I am grateful for the serendipitous roses that remind me, on a cloudy rainy day in Seattle, that the seeds of love still live inside of me. And it is a gift that I can pass on.
Last night I watched the movie, Romero. It is the story of Oscar Romero, Archbishop of San Salvador, who was assassinated, while saying Mass, because he had the audacity to preach about human rights and love for the “least of these.” It is another example of love dying. Or of love being killed. And another story of that love rising again, in all of those who take that seed of compassion, and plant it into the soil that makes up the ordinary days of their lives.
A blessed Easter to you all.
Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold on too tightly, too possessively and the relationship slips away and is lost. Kaleel Jamison
9 Comments
stunning and lovely…the rose and your words. thank you.
I *love* how you describe how you feel in a plant nursery… me, too :)
I had to think about your response to the question, "Does Love die?"
My answer would be "Yes" *and* "No". Love *does* die when it becomes constrictive… "becomes conditional and restrictive and shame-filled". But it *doesn't* die, in my humble opinion, when Love becomes *expansive*. Oooooo that initial pitter patter of the heart in romance followed by the velcro relationship no longer exists, but for me, I *don't* want that forever in an intimate romantic relationship. [Sure, felt good initially :) ] I want a relationships that help me be *Me*… in a way that I can't be Me by myself… in that way Love becomes *expansive*. There is love, support, mirroring, shapeshifting, compassion, vulnerability, intimacy and honesty. I agree that we have to "Let Go", but for me, it is Letting Go of the ego or False self so that my True Self… that child of God… can be fully present when I love. There *is* a dying to that False Self… who I thought was… but there is a love rising from within, when I am willing to be strong enough to be vulnerable and reveal the real Me… that True Me with all of the love from the depths of my being that is who God made… for me, love is the God in each of us, and is everlasting. It can't be held onto because then it becomes constrictive and loses it's expansiveness ;)
Just some simple musings on this Good Friday :)
~Happy Easter~
Keep those *beautiful* Garden pictures coming! Love them :)
This is the best Good Friday message I have read yet, because wasn't love what God was giving us? Love is the perfect antidote to anhedonia, especially when we allow ourselves to find it all around us…in gardens, in God, in words shared. Thank you.
Now, about love "sickness" ~ here's a quote, "When I say you sucked my brain out the English translation is I am in love with you."
- "Dilate," by Ani DiFranco
Blessings,
Melinda
Melinda. Now that is a great quote. I will use it in my lectures you know. . .but will give you credit. . .
Sharon. . .your remarks are helpful. I agree with the distinction between the true self and false self. Although I think they are certainly co-mingled, and that it is impossible to get rid of the "false" (anything that diminishes or shames or disingenuous). And I believe that we are loved by God regardless of whether we get it all sorted out. That's our ego, believing that we have to arrive somewhere.
When you talked about learning to be present to that kind of Divine love. . .yes. . .I think that's what's at stake. I've so trained myself to "feel" loved for all those other reasons, I find difficult to pause long enough to know that I can be loved in a place where I can just be. . .
So. . .little by little. . .we'll keep learning from one another.
Terry, You have outdone even yourself in this one. This is, what, luminous with its truth sprouting as seeds from your words, joyous, Easter-ish, and probably other phrases I can't find at the moment. Just read this in a slowly collapsing afternoon, exhaling its own energy, and I am revived with my "inner bird" singing hallelujahs. Thank you.
I have fallen in love with plants also, and birds and the scent of orange blossoms and more. Loved your comment about people being more work … so true.
If you haven't read anything by Diane Ackerman, try her "Dawn Light", Norton 2009.
*Thanks Terry*… I like what you have said… resonates for me :)
Hey Suchin. I do like Ackerman's writing. I hadn't seen the new book yet. . .I'll pick it up. Thanks for the reminder.
Inner bird hallelujahs. . .now that, that is good writing. . .
I really appreciate this post. Several days before Ash Wednesday, I was plotting out the course of my Lenten Devotions, what and when I was going to read and pray, what would I give up and all of that stuff that is Lenten in nature. I finally came to the realization that what I needed to give up for Lent was the need to give up anything. In essence, what I was giving up was the need to plan it all out. I must say that this Lenten and Easter season has been one of the richest in my life. Expectations can get in the way most of the time.
Richard. . .that's really good stuff. But you know, of course, I'm going to steal it, and use it for a talk. . .and I may or may not give you credit!
Thanks for sharing it.
It's amazing, how we need to "plan" and "organize" even our spiritual growth and development. . .